What It Feels Like To Be Me

2011-12-10T05:49:00.001-08:00

Feeling the Holiday Blues lately. Yung tipong naiiyak ka for no apparent reason. Sucks.

Bye for now, Twitter and Facebook!

2011-06-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

It's my first day without my facebook and twitter account. I decided to deactivate both profiles last night. It was becoming a source of my negativity and cynicism. I've been reading stuff that reminded me of so many things. Mostly sad memories. So I had to let it go. Part of my way of showing that I am fighting back and letting the sunshine in. Will spend time with my friends in the real world. No more virtual relationships for me.

Dependency

2010-04-22T15:26:00.000-07:00

I’m turning 29 in a few months and I feel like I’m getting nowhere. I’ve often labeled myself as lost to hide the fact that I’m simply a coward. I’ve always known what I want. I’ve always known where I want to be. I’ve always known who I want to be. I just don’t know why I can’t get my ass to move and start reaching for those damn stars.

I hope Paulo Coelho knew what he’s saying when he wrote, “When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.” Maybe that’s the problem. I’m too dependent on the universe to give me what I want without actually working for it. Help.

Nahan ka?

2009-03-10T05:10:00.000-07:00

I'd love to wake up with someone special beside me someday. Share a cup of coffee. Make him breakfast. Laugh our hearts out until we cry. Hot sex until the morning light. Be silly and crazy together. Argue over issues. Bubble baths together. Engage in petty fights. Hold hands.

I haven't met him yet. But I know he's out there somewhere...

Random Things I Love

2009-03-10T05:03:00.000-07:00

I love driving through highways lined with trees.
I love a soft, cool breeze.
I love fruit shakes, smoothies and cold teas.
I love big, huggable animals.
I love talking to interesting strangers.
I love cream puffs.
I love walking barefoot on the beach.
I love surprise hugs.
I love pink-orange skies.
I love everything about babies.
I love holding hands.
I love staying in on a rainy day.
I love long and tender kisses.

Long Lost Letter

2008-12-01T02:32:00.000-08:00

I was looking at my sent items sa Friendster just to check if I was able to send a reply to a friend. And ito ang nakita ko, ang letter na i sent to the guy dun sa "Let it burn..." na post. Lol

Hi ---. I dunno where to start. I just need to do this
for me. I wanted to call you pero i couldn't gather
as much courage to do so. I guess i'm a coward.
Pero at least ito, mas odd ang chances na i'll
forget something. i hope... I've been wanting to tell
you this for so long... Well here goes...

You were the reason why i came back to UPLB. It
was not Rivka. I have always loved you and i guess
will always will. I was happiest when i was with
you. I just wanted you to know that. Thank you so
much for everything. For being a friend and for
always being there for me. Di ko nga alam why i
still think about you until now. But not as much
naman like before. hehe. sabay bawi =)

This email is some sort of closure for me. I just
want to move on completely. Maybe this
confession might help. I hope we could still be the
best of friends. I wish you all the happiness in the
world. You deserve it ---. You take care okay?
Happy New Year! God bless =)

What's Love Got To Do With It

2008-11-26T01:39:00.000-08:00

One weekend, I went out with friends. Two of them were running late so the rest of us headed to People’s Park to kill waiting time. The place was practically deserted and the night was uneventful, until I got hold of news regarding a friend’s shocking marriage plans.

“Wow! Congrats! I’m so happy for you!!!” would be my normal reaction upon hearing someone's upcoming wedding. But this matrimony was different. All it could get out of me was a cynical falsetto, “Whaaaaaat?!?”.

Dismayed. Confused. Stunned. Distressed. Appalled. I could go on and enumerate all synonymous words but not one could exactly describe how I felt that night. One thing was sure though, I just couldn’t fathom the fact that they were getting married. I couldn’t believe that in less than a year of dating, there’d be wedding bells, and a proclamation that it's love. Adding to my confusion was my friend's "Why wait?" justification. I wanted to strangle her when she said that.

The skeptic in me just couldn’t believe that it was love as affirmed by these glazed-eyed lovers. And even if it was love, is it wise to get hitched solely for that reason? Would love still conquer all once the glow wears off and reality kicks in? I just hope I’m wrong because as much as I enjoy giving I-told-you-so lectures, I don’t want to go into that in the future.

Eyes Wide Shut

2008-11-19T00:50:00.000-08:00

I always wanted to be a swimmer or at least know how to swim. Di ko na pinangarap ang Olympics. I just wanted to learn a few strokes para naman di lang “langoy-aso” ang alam ko.

Swimming was my last PE course in college. I only had two concerns with the course: First, we were required to wear trunks. Di pwede ang surf shorts. Grrr. Nakaka-conscious kasi especially when the pool is quite visible from people taking their classes on the 2nd floor. Second, I’m wearing contacts. Sobrang labo ng mata ko so di ko siya pwedeng tanggalin even when swimming. I had to make sure that my goggles were fastened firmly around my eyes especially when diving head first.

Our grades were based on how we ranked during swimming competitions. Di ako ang best swimmer. Pero di din ako kulelat ng class. Tamang-tama lang na if you throw me out to sea, I’d be able to stay afloat. Hahaha!

My last competition was also the last day of my swimming career. Freestyle ang instruction samin. I think there were 9 other swimmers beside me. I was pumped up. I felt like I was going to make it at least sa top 3. I heard the whistle and propelled myself into the water head first. Pagbukas ko ng mata ko, wala na ang goggles ko. Natanggal pagdive ko. But I made the decision to continue anyway.

Big mistake.

I closed my eyes and continued swimming. Swim. Swim. Swim. Ilang meters na ang nilangoy ko and I still haven’t touched the opposite end of the pool. Something’s not right, I thought. Someone was screaming but I couldn’t hear what she was saying kasi I was under the water. So, nagpatuloy ako.

Forty eight years later, I reached the other end, the wrong end of the pool that is. Hahaha! Turns out, I was circling the pool all this time. Then, pagdating ko daw sa may center ng pool, I did a left turn.

I wanted to die!!! Tapos pag-ahon ko, EVERYONE was standing at the edge of the pool, obviously amused by the stunt I just pulled off. And I could hear our coach saying, “Hoy! Ano sa tingin mo ang ginawa mo?!?”. Siya pala yung sumisigaw kanina pa. Hahaha!

Missent Text

2008-11-06T00:31:00.000-08:00

A text from a friend informed me that JEAN FERCOL’s grandmother died. Nalungkot ako sa balita. I quickly formulated a message for her loss and sent it. Later that day, I received a message from JEAN CHUA saying “I called my lola’s house after receiving your message. She’s fine.”

Wake Up Sleepy Head

2008-10-29T02:11:00.000-07:00

It was Prom Night. We never got drunk or got lucky with our dates, so, we spent the rest of the night, clad in our formal attire, driving around the city. We had fun!!! Too much fun...

I went home the next morning, 6 AM to be exact. My mom was already awake and on her way to church. Since highschool pa ako nito, she had a rule na dapat di kami sikatan ng araw sa daan. I was proven guilty and sentenced to go directly to church. Di na ako nakipag-argue.

I sat at the back while she was out front. I was trying my best to keep my eyes open the whole time. Pero antok na antok na talaga ako. Then after taking communion, I went back to my seat, closed my eyes and bent over to pray.

The rustling of walis startled me. I looked up and saw the caretaker a few meters away from me.

The church was empty.

I slept through the last part of the service and nobody bothered to wake me up. Great…

Movie Versus Reality

2008-10-24T01:31:00.000-07:00

Alice Dixon and Lorna Tolentino in the movie Nagbabagang Luha:
Alice: Mamamatay ako pag kinuha mo sa akin si Alex
Lorna: Ipalilibing kita.

Versus

Some of our classmates were very competitive in Highschool. Tapos Honor's class pa kami so yung iba very particular sa grades. Ako, wa koy care. Hahaha! Anyway, my classmate was complaining kasi mababa yung score na nakuha nya sa exam. Timing narinig ng isang classmate and then di napigilan ng said classmate na mgcomment.

Bitch Classmate 1: Kung ganyan ang score ko, magtalon talaga ako sa bangin.
Low Score Classmate 2: Itutulak pa kita.

Top Picks: Songs of Heartbreak

2008-10-07T02:16:00.000-07:00

I always feel very sentimental whenever I listen to these songs. If you are on the verge of committing suicide, do not, I repeat, DO NOT listen to these songs. Pero if trip niyo lang magdrama like me, knock yourselves out. In no particular order:

1. Delicate – Damien Rice
2. Silent World – Donna Lewis
3. I Can’t Make You Love Me – George Michael
4. Dance With My Father – Luther Vandross
5. Broken Vow – Lara Fabian
6. Moonriver – Frank Sinatra
7. Apron Strings – Everything But The Girl
8. In My Life – Bette Midler
9. That I Would Be Good – Alanis Morissette
10. Pasko Na Sinta Ko – Gary Valenciano
11. Miss You Most – Mariah Carey
12. Fallen Embers - Enya
13. Steep – Lauren Christy
14. And So It Goes – Billy Joel
15. My Immortal - Evanescence

18?

2008-09-27T00:12:00.000-07:00

When you’re 16 and forbidden to watch R-18 movies, you usually try your best to get into theaters that show these kinds of movies. And that’s exactly what we did. It was 1997.

I was in the mall with Mara and Edward. We have already watched all the movies in the mall except for one, an R-18 movie.

Before entering the cinema, we rehearsed our lines and did our best to look like 18 year olds. But there was one glitch in our plan: me.

Edward went in first, followed by Mara, and I went in last. The usher took my ticket and looked hard at me and started to ask me questions.

Usher: Anong edad mo?
Me: 18. (Cool pa ako. Confident.)
Usher: Talaga? May ID ka bang dala?
Me: Wala eh. Naiwan sa bahay. (Lusot pa din.)
Usher: Kung 18 ka, anong year ka pinanganak?

Toink. Dito na ako nastress and usually when I’m stressed, nabobobo ako. And I hate, hate, hate, mental math. Hahaha!

I looked at my friends and searched for an answer. Then I smiled, hoping that my smile would work its way into the usher’s cold heart, and said, “Uhmmm….. 1980?”

We never got in. To make matters worst, we had to refund the tickets and ako ang pinarefund nina Mara kasi kasalanan ko daw. Pinagalitan pa jud ako ng ticket lady sa harap ng ibang taong nakapila. Haay… All in a day…

Alms, Alms, Spare Me A Bag Of Type A Blood

2008-09-25T01:16:00.000-07:00

I just graduated from college and was on my way home, when a pesky mosquito gave me dengue. One week akong nasa hospital. Like any dengue patient, I needed blood. Lucky for me, I have great friends who came to the rescue. 3 bags of Type A blood. All free. Hehe

The next day, the doctor came in and told us the bad news. Di pa daw nagnormalize ang aking platelets so I needed at least 2 bags pa. Honestly, this was the first time na natakot ako for my life. Kahit siguro ang family ko.

My mom was holding my hand and she was telling me that everything was going to be okay. Then my Dad sat by my side and said, "Nak, baka pwede mong itext uli yung friends mo for additional blood..." Hahahaha!

This quickly changed my sullen mood. I know I was in need of blood pero it was weird kung sakin manggaling ang request. What was I going to say? "Hi. Kulang pagud yung dugo na binigay niyo. Pwede pahingi ng 2 bags more?" Hahahaha!

To end this story, my Dad called my friends and their friends volunteered and gave me 2 bags more. =)

Belated Happy Birthday

2008-09-24T02:28:00.000-07:00

If you can remember from my last post about Caleb, we're not in a good place. He doesn't respond to any of my messages. Eh ayoko namang ipilit ang sarili ko. So I decided to stop pursuing him. No calls. No texts. Mag-iinarte ako. Lol. Until...

I was reading through some old messages from my friendster inbox and I saw a couple of messages from Caleb. He sent them a year ago. After, I checked out his profile. Nakita ko na madaming birthday messages ang comment section niya. Ang nasabi ko lang sa sarili ko "OMG. It was his birthday and di ko siya nagreet." Naguilty ako and decided to leave him a comment and said "Caleb, belated happy birthday! TC always =)". Papansin.

Pag-uwi ko. i realized something. How incredibly stupid I am.

If you can remember, coz apparently I didn't, I texted him on his special day. Di siya nagreply. And I even sent a box of brownies. Asked him how the brownies were. No reply. I texted him again the next day. No reply. Tapos last night, I left him a belated bday greeting sa friendster. WTF. Waaaaaaaah! Overkill! My stupidity immortalized sa friendster. Haay... Somebody save me!!!

Dr. Dreamy and Me

2008-09-23T01:23:00.000-07:00

I think mga dalawang beses na akong na-food poison. Yung first dahil sa hotdog sandwich. Yung second was dahil sa di masyadong luto na pork barbecue. Actually napansin ko na iba ang lasa nung barbecue. Parang hilaw. Still, di ko binalik and naka-ubos pa ako ng lima. Hahaha! Da! Merese! Lol

The next day, dinala na ako nina Cha and Je sa hospital. Diretso kami emergency room then I was asked to lie down. When you’re in an emergency room, you’d expect tender loving care. But I was “accommodated” by nightmare nurse.

Nightmare nurse: Do this. (She made a move like an arm curl. Parang she was flexing her muscles.)
Me: Ok. (As confused as I was by her instruction, I followed her.)
Nightmare nurse: Hindi ganyan. Just make a fist. (Asar na ang tono. Strikta.)
Me: Ah ok. Sorry. (Tumatawa na kami pero siya serious. Halatang ashar na.)
Nightmare nurse: I’ll inject you with meds para di ka na magsuka.
Me: Sige. Thanks. So, I’ll feel better na in a few hours?
Nightmare nurse: Hindi. Mamatay ka na bukas.
Me: Oi, simbako! Knock on wood!

Nagtinginan na lang kami ng friends ko. Stifling our amusement sa nurse who was obviously having a bad day. Lol

After a few minutes, dumating ang doctor. Cutie. Haha! He asked me a few questions. It went something like this…

Dr. Dreamy: So how are you feeling?
Me: Nahihilo and nasusuka. (Pacute. Lol)
Dr. Dreamy: You’ll feel better na in awhile. Kung pwede lugaw muna ang kainin mo and avoid oily food.
Me: Ok
Dr. Dreamy: Nagtatae kaba?

Parang ayaw kong sagutin ang tanong. Hahaha

Me: Uhm… Once pa lang today.
Dr. Dreamy: Anong color?

Omg. Stop! Kaulaw na. Hahaha

Me: Parang greenish brown?
Dr. Dreamy: Anong amoy?

Ano daw??? Tama ba ang naririnig ko??? Hahaha! Shouldn’t you be asking for my number? Hahaha! Natawa ako sa tanong pero pinigilan ko lang. That was the weirdest question I’ve ever heard. So giklaro ko…

Me: Uhm… Like what do you mean?
Dr. Dreamy: Anong amoy? Can you describe the scent?

Great! I’m having a conversation with a cute doctor and he’s asking kung anong amoy ng tae ko? WTF. Hahaha! This is embarrassing! Lol

Me: Uhm… I really dunno. Mabaho? Di ko naman gud talaga inamoy.”
Dr. Dreamy: (Half-smiling) Ah ok. Sige balikan kita in awhile. Antayin lang natin ang results mo.”
Me: Ok. Thanks doc. (Isip2 ko… I love you. Hahaha)

Then he came back and told me na negative ako sa amoeba or any infection. After giving me my prescriptions, he sent me home. Pwedeng di na umuwi? Hahaha!

How to Handle Rejection

2008-09-22T00:47:00.000-07:00

I have never been fond of dating. Why? Rejection sucks. Lol Then I read an article written by David Wygant on how to embrace rejection. After reading it, rejection didn't seem so bad. So read on...

So there you are at the deli getting a ham sandwich, when that person you're attracted to comes and stands next to you at the counter. You've seen them over and over again, and you finally have the guts to turn and smile at them... and they do nothing in return. They almost look right through you like you don't exist.

So you grab your ham sandwich and run out of there as quickly as you can, saying to yourself, "I will never do that again. This doesn't work." Is this the best way to deal with rejection? How do you personally deal with rejection? More importantly, are you someone who believes that if you become "good" at dating you will no longer get rejected?

The dating truth is that being able to deal with rejection is the key to being successful at going out and meeting singles. It's also not the ultra-significant event so many make it out to be. So here are five essential tips on how to handle rejection, which you need to embrace if you are going to have a full and successful dating life:

1. Change Your Dating Expectations. One of the first and most important things to understand is that no matter what you do, not everybody is going to respond positively to you. Not everyone you smile at will smile back at you. Not everyone you say hello to is going to say hello back to you. Stop expecting a positive response 100% of the time. Just because somebody did not smile back at you does not mean that you're not an attractive person or that you made a mistake by smiling. The only thing it means is that it did not work with that one person.

2. Life Is All About Rejection. Everything in life has rejection involved in it. If you're a salesperson who makes 10 sales calls, you may only get one or two people to say yes. A baseball player whose batting average is around 300 will likely end up in the Hall of Fame. A quarterback who can complete 55 percent of his passes is doing pretty well. Everything in life is about percentages. You don't quit simply because you experienced some rejection. Imagine if you stopped looking for work when your very first interview didn't result in a job offer. That would, of course, be ridiculous. Remember that you also need to keep going in your dating life when you're rejected, because you want to keep increasing your odds of success.

3. Focus on Increasing Your Dating Odds. When you feel like you are getting more than your fair share of rejections, instead of focusing on those rejections, focus on increasing your odds of success. The fact is that by playing the percentages as I mentioned above, you will be successful.

The reason is that every time you take action -- every time you smile, say hello, or walk over and initiate a conversation -- you get better at it. If you're going to go out there and only talk to one person a day, then your chances of success are not going to be great. Increase your odds every single day and in everything you're doing.

4. Keep Things in Perspective. I hear some version of this from clients all the time: "What if I approach somebody, get rejected, and someone sees me? I'll never be able to go in that store again!" Get a little perspective here. Let me tell you something -- you're not front page news! When you're rejected, you need to just get over it. No one is talking about you. People are concerned about themselves and what is going on in their own lives, just as you are focused on what's going on in yours. So the fact that you get rejected in front of other people at the market, at the gym, or anywhere else is not a big deal to anyone but you.

5. Don't Overreact When Dating. The other thing I commonly hear from clients who have been rejected is some version of this: "I'm never going to talk to that person ever again now that I was rejected by them." This is not only a total overreaction, it is also absolutely the wrong thing to do. So you tried to talk to (or smile or look at) someone, and they didn't respond. As I mentioned above, there are a million possible reasons why that person did not respond to you. It doesn't necessarily mean that person wouldn't want to talk to you another time. If I smile at a woman and she doesn't respond, I don't play hide-and-go-seek the next time I see her. I am equally friendly to her the next time I see her, because you never know what will happen that second time. It's a different day. Put the last time behind you.

These are some ways to help you get over rejection. Realize that in order to get good at interacting with potential mates, you are going to get rejected. In fact, you want to get rejected every single day, because if you're not, it means you're not trying.

So ask yourself this: Did you get rejected today, and how can you go out tomorrow and make it an even better day than today? Learn to not only handle but to embrace rejection, and you will meet great new people and have an amazing social life.

So huwag ng matakot lumandi. If your single, go mingle! =)

A Banana Tree is 90 % Water

2008-09-19T01:17:00.000-07:00

During one of the lectures I’ve attended, we were told that a banana tree is 90% water. By the afternoon, we went out for the field demo. We were given chopping bolos and instructed to chop down banana stumps. Naisip ko “Ang dali nito. Yakang-yaka.” So I proceeded with the task.

Me: I-chop lang man kaya? Easy.

Pagchop ko, biglang may lumabas na tubig galing sa saging. Parang fountain.

Me: Wow. 90% water jud siya noh?

A few seconds after…

Me: Grabe ang tubig. Parang di siya nauubusan. Kuyawa nito uy.

Di man talaga nagstop ang tubig. So parang may hindi tama.

Me: OA na ang 90% ha.

Lumapit yung kasama ko and looked closely. Gi-move niya ang saging and guess what?

Kasama ko: Hoy, nachop mo na ang water pipe! Umaawas na.

Like Abba, napakanta ako ng Tragedy! Lol Buti na lang andun si Manong hardinero to save me. Madali lang palang ayusin. Thank God.

SM Advantage Card

2008-09-16T01:57:00.000-07:00

Namamasyal ako sa NCCC mall with my friend Rachel. Tandaan niyo yan ha. Nasa NCCC mall kami. Then pumasok kami sa isang hardware store (forgot the name) kasi I was looking for rechargeable batteries. Eh mahal, so bumili na lang ako ng key chain. Haha. Lima ang binili ko ha. Lol

When it was my turn sa cashier, I gave her the key chains and my SM advantage card, then asked, "Tumatanggap ba kyo ng SM Advantage Card dito?" The cashier just shooked her head to say no and just looked at me na parang nangangantiyaw. Di ko pa nagets sa lagay na to ha. Kasi after I said "Talaga? Di pala pwedeng gamitin ang SM Advantage card dito sa Ace Hardware? Kasi nakagamit ata ako dito dati." Aba, nagmamagaling.

Kulang na lang batukan ako ni Raech when she said while laughing, "Oi, wala tayo sa Ace Hardware and wala tayo sa SM. Nasa NCCC baya tayo." Hahaha. Talk about humiliation. Nagpumilit pa talaga.

You're Weird

2008-09-09T01:52:00.000-07:00

These two words best describe everything that I do wrong in my love life. Read on for the supporting details. Lol

I went out last weekend to meet with co-workers. Sort of a despedida for Kelly since she was leaving for Australia come Monday morning. Pagdating ko, they all had this groggy look. Bago lang pala sila lahat nagpamasahe. The “party” ended with us having coffee and calling it a night at 10 PM. What a waste of porma. Hahaha. Eh since I was in a festive mood, ayoko pang umuwi. I texted everyone I knew who could possibly go out on such short notice. Most turned be down, except for one. Sino siya? Abangan… Hahaha.

Tawagin natin siyang Caleb. I first met him sa chatroom. After hours of talking, he invited me to join him in his hotel room. Some might have jumped at the opportunity of getting laid in a 4-star hotel pero ibahin niyo ako. Hahaha. Na-insulto ako sa offer actually. Major turn-off. I mean okay lang naman sana if I met him personally tapos we decided to go up to his room. Eh kaso hours pa lang kaming magkakilala tapos sa chatroom pa talaga. I politely said na I have no plans of joining him. Aba, kinulit ako. Tumawag.

Caleb: Hi.
Me: Hi. Napatawag ka.
Caleb: Ayaw mo talagang pumunta dito?
Me: Sorry ha. I can’t.
Caleb: Bakit naman?
Me: Honestly, it feels weird. Para akong callboy na kakatok sa room mo. I barely even know you. Malay ko ba if killer ka. Haha
Caleb: Haha. Di kaya. Ang bait ko nga eh.
Me: Still, I don’t know you.
Caleb: Ah ok. I understand.
Me: Let’s go out na lang or something.
Caleb: Sige txt2 lang.
Me: Ok. Bye
Caleb: Bye

Then next afternoon, kinulit na naman ako and he asked if di ba daw talaga magchange ang mind ko. Grabe. Wala na naka-get over since last night. Ganyan ba ako ka-hot? Na kahit sa cyberspace, I turn people on? Hahaha. Kapal. Anyway, pinanindigan ko tlga ang aking decision. I said no. How about a round of applause? Hahaha

One night, I got so bored and needed someone to engage me with some harmless male flirtation. Igat-mode ON. Hahaha. Good thing naka-save pa ang number niya so I called him.

Caleb: Hi. Who’s this? (Lasing ang bruho.)
Me: Uhm. We talked online a few weeks ago. I’m _ _ _ _ _.
Caleb: Really? I can’t remember. (Hahaha. Napahiya ako. Gusto ko siyang bagsakan ng fone.)
Me: Ah ok. Lasing kba?
Caleb: Yeah dude. Super.

He loves to use “dude”. He’s in his late 30’s. Way angay actually. Hahaha. Nagkita kami that night. I told him daanan ko lang siya sa Rizal. Pagsakay niya, nagpark lang ako sa kanto and we talked. He looked good but not my type. Lasing na lasing siya. Wasted. Pero sarap kausap kahit lasing. Eh usually nakakainis kausap ang mga lasing lalo na if sober ka. Siya kakaiba. Sobrang natuwa ako sa kanya. Then, we kissed. It was terrible. Hahaha. Still, I was attracted kasi masarap kausap. He made me laugh. Mahirap akong patawanin so pasok siya sa waiting list. Haha. As if madaming nakapila. Lol

After a few days, he texted me kasi he saw me sa newspaper. Nawindang siya kasi celebrity pala ang nakasama niya. Hahaha. Feeler. Nafeature ako sa national newspaper. No biggie. Uuh! As if uy! Lol Timing lang na friend ko ang writer and she told me to send an entry. Then I was surprised na everyone texted me of an article, complete with my picture. Haha. So yun. He asked me out after. After eating at a fast food (how romantic), i left him. Hahaha. Eto ang nangyari...

Caleb: Parang ang sarap manuod ng movie.
Me: Talaga? Wala mang maganda. (nega 1)
Caleb: Ok ata tong "The Reaping"
Me: Parang panget man. (nega 2)
Caleb: Ok. San palang punta mo after?
Me: Bayad lang ako ng phonebill. Den uwi na after.
Caleb: Ah ok. So punta ka 2nd floor?
Me: Yup. Kaw? San ka naka-park. (nega 3. Talagang pinauwi. Lol)
Caleb: Secret. Kahit saan.
Me: Fine. Sige akyat na ako. Ingat
Caleb: Sige ingat ka din.

Ganto lagi ang nangyayari samin ni Caleb. So you can see how frustrating it is when you're dealing with me. Hahaha. Wala nang makatalo sakin. Lol

Pero ito ang winner sa lahat. Balik tayo sa despedida night ni Kelly. I told my co-workers na I was meeting friends at UC. Pero the truth was, I already texted Caleb and was planning to meet him in another place. I was still with my co-workers when he called. Tinanong niya ako kung saan ako. Di ako masyadong makapagsalita kasi mabubuking ako ng co-workers ko na manlalalake talaga ako. Hahaha. So I told him na I was going to UC to meet friends and thought na I'd just call him once na-drop na ako sa club. He was with his friends sa Eagle's Bar. Di daw siya sure kasi early pa daw siya kinabukasan. Pagdating ko ng UC, I called him, di sumasagot. Tinext ko, no reply. So naisip ko na uwi na lang ako. While waiting for a cab, nagtext siya na nasa UC daw siya. Tinawagan ko...

Me: UC ka?
Caleb: Yup andito ako.
Me: Kakalabas ko lang eh.
Caleb: Oh ok.
Me: Muntik akong mapa-away jan eh.
Caleb: Ano ba to. Akala mo naman lalaki. Nakikipag-away pa.
Me: Haha. Gago. Anyway, do you want me to go there?
Caleb: Kaw bahala. San ka pala?
Me: Andito pa ako sa my convenience.
Caleb: So di ka pupunta dito?
Me: Eh kasama mo naman friends mo diba? Kahiya naman.
Caleb: So di ka talaga pupunta dito?
Me: Di na siguro.
Caleb: Oh ok.

Binabaan nya ako ng phone. Hahaha. Nagulat ako pero no effect. Hahaha. Until later. Around 2 AM, I got a txt message from him.

Caleb: You're Weird.

That was it for me. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. He was right. I was weird.

All I could say to that was "I know. I'm a wreck at times. So sorry Caleb sa abala." Then he replied "Just don't do it again. Ingat".Then it dawned on me na baka he actually went to UC because of me. So I sent him a message to confirm this "Caleb, ayokong magfeeling pero did you go to UC because I told you I was there?" Ang sagot "Yup. Nyt" Drum roll! Ka-BUGO ko!!! It shook me. Then after uber kilig! Hahaha. I want Caleb! I want Caleb! Hahaha.

Birthday niya last September 11. I sent him a box of brownies. Sabi ni Ann, ang aking tig-deliver, touched daw si Caleb and sent his thanks. After that, wala na akong narinig sa kanya. I texted him if nagustuhan ba niya ang brownies. Di sumagot. Hahaha. Is it too late? Nakakapagod ba talaga ako? Uuuh! Ang arte. Hahaha. Haay... The stupid things I do...

Iring

2008-09-05T02:20:00.000-07:00

We were at a meeting when a stray cat entered the room. Swerte ng cat kasi yung girl na katabi ko loves cats. Eh di super lambing siya sa cat and she picked it up sabay sabi "Grabe! Gusto ko talaga ng iring na cat! " Ano daw??? ROFL. Sa mga hindi bisaya, cat = iring.

Live. Love. Learn. Leave a legacy

2008-09-05T01:52:00.000-07:00

I was talking with Ann and we were discussing as to why it’s easier to give advice than to actually walk what you talk. It struck me when she said, “Mas madali kasing mag-advise if it’s another person’s life. Pero when we find ourselves in the same situation, we do the exact the opposite.”

She hit target. Guilty as charged. I give out lots of advice and even amaze myself by coming up with great solutions. But I usually end up contradicting myself. We become experts on other people’s lives but we are clueless with our own. So now I am left wondering, how did we become so good with other people’s affairs but manage to screw up our own lives? How did we become so helpful but helpless?

Maybe it really is easier said than done. We’re not here to live perfect lives anyway. We are here to live. Period. We should just do our best to learn from our mistakes. We don’t usually get it in one sitting but through practice, we become experts. Just like Math, practice is everything. The methods we use to solve equations may vary but we always end up with the same exact answer and you get the right answers by painstakingly going through the whole process. So, do the Math.

Life would be so boring without all the drama. Para siguro tayong buang kung lagi lang masaya. Same din kung lagi din tayong malungkot. Dapat balanse. How to do that? Don't ask me. Hahaha. I'm still figuring things out. Hehe.

Enough said. I'm not here to preach. So go screw your lives. Just make sure you get out alive. Hahaha. Just kidding. Parang i've cancelled out the "imparted wisdom" by writing the last three lines of this entry. Oh well...

Birthday Message for Myself

2008-09-03T05:29:00.000-07:00

Ted Schmidt of Queer as Folk said, "Every year I always wish for the same thing - a boyfriend. Someone to love who'll love me. This year I think I'm gonna wish for something else. The wisdom and maturity to realize that I won't find what I want by looking for it. Not expect someone else to give me what I never gave myself. That I'm not a half waiting to be made a whole. And even if that special person never comes along... I'll be just fine."

The day I turn 27

2008-09-03T04:30:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME! Hehe. Serious muna tayo ha. Hehe.

God has been so good to me for the past few years. He has blessed me with so much. I'm not sure if you'll believe me but starting today, I won't ask anything for myself. Di ko na kelangan humingi kasi He knows the desires of my heart and He'll give it to me in his time. Gosh. Ganto naba talaga pag tumatanda? Nagiging spiritual na? Hahaha.

Kidding aside, i've always been very spiritual. He has always come to my rescue in times when I was beaten and had nothing to hold on to. He was always there. He never left me. He held my hand during that August night when I was at my lowest. I remember feeling an overwhelming wave of comfort come over me when I was about to do the unthinkable. I knew it was Him. After that, I know I could take on anything because He will always be by my side.

God's love is unconditional.

2008-08-27T01:11:00.000-07:00

Malapit na ang birthday ko! Yehaaa! I'm turning 27 but eternally 17. Hehe. Why eternally 17? Coz it's between sweet sixteen and the legal age of 18. A mix of sweetness and maturity. Hehe. I remember myself at 17. I was in college. The feel of highschool life still lingered yet the realities of becoming an adult started to sink in.

Everything was new. Everything was an experience.

First drinking session where i actually got drunk, rousing me to run stark naked underneath the stars. Hahaha!

First kiss. One word: Amazing. =)

Becoming 17 also kicked off my independence. I had to do my own laundry. I hate doing laundry. Hehe. I made my own decisions. I had to learn to control my expenses and resist the urge to run to my family when I needed help especially financial help. I remember the first few months where I would call my dad almost weekly to ask for additional money. Hehe. A funny memory went something like this.

Me: Hi Ma! Pwede ko kausapin si Dad?
Mom: Sige sandali lang. Kausapin kita after nyo ha.
Me: Ok

While my mom was handing the phone to my dad, I heard him say while laughing "Naku, hihingi na naman ito ng pera..." Natawa ako kay daddy. Tama ang kanyang vibrations. Hahaha!

This was also the time when I was exposed to events and people that would change my life forever. A change for the good. I grew up.

Now, im getting older. Hopefully, another year wiser. Hehe.

I'll leave you with Carrie Bradshaw of Sex and the City. She said: "When you’re young, life is about the pursuit of fun. Then you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don’t leap at all because there’s not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there’s no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?"

I choose to have fun!!!!! Party!!!!!

Say Hello

2008-08-27T00:47:00.000-07:00

A Siberian tiger cub waving his paw. I'm in love! ANG CUTE!!!

Here comes the bride...

2008-08-26T02:01:00.000-07:00

Everybody’s getting married. I’m attending one this afternoon. Binigyan ako ng role. Not the best man but I was tasked to share the 1st reading. An offer I couldn’t refuse since the bride’s a good friend of mine. I can remember I made her cry back in highschool. Not because I broke her heart but because I was too shallow then. Di niyo naitatanong pero I was a mean boy dati. I can recall that I had at least one person in class na inaaway ko. I’m trying to be a better person now. It’s so stupid to judge people. I love what Mother Theresa said “If you judge people, you have no time to love them…” Proof of this is the bride to be this afternoon. A wonderful girl, blessed in so many ways, who’s walking down the aisle to marry his prince charming while I sit on the side contemplating why I couldn’t even get a boyfriend. Feels like karma. Ha!

Got to believe in magic

2008-08-26T01:45:00.000-07:00

Without a doubt, everyone is looking for love. Problem is where to find it. In a world where everything is uncertain, is it enough to trust destiny to deliver your true love at your doorstep?

I’ve had near-love experiences. Most of which ended as soon as hopelessness sank in. I guess once burned, you become a little guarded. And I did to the point na I wasn’t the guy who would go all out for love anymore. Pag sobrang nakakapagod, I let it go. I’m so good at this already. It’s just like changing underwear. Difference is I don’t re-wash it. It goes straight to the trash bin. Lol. Ayoko na ng masyadong complicated. Hahaha. My ideal love story would be something like the movie “While you were sleeping”. Two people meet. They become good friends. They spend time together. They have great conversations. They make each other laugh. Then they find themselves secretly liking each other. Tapos may konting kadramahan ang dalawa. Then they resolve their issues and end up together. Ang simple diba? REALITY CHECK: Love is not as easy as a 2 hour romcom.

I remember yung mga kadramahan ko dati. Sa sobrang dami I can conclude na ang arte ko talaga. Hahaha.

Case in point: Nagkulong ako sa kwarto after his ex (a girl) called… Sumunod siya and kinatok ako sa room. Nasa labas siya ng door, ako nasa bed nag-iinarte. Hahaha

Tinitibok ng puso: Ok ka lang?
OA person (Ako): Ok lng…
Tinitibok ng puso: Di nga. Buksan mo ang door. Pasok ako.
OA person: Huwag na. My ginagawa ako.
Tinitibok ng puso: Huh? Anong ginagawa mo na di ako pwedeng pumasok?
OA person: Basta. Huwag mo ng tanungin. Bumalik ka na lang sa room mo. (Irita na ako nito. Lol)
Tinitibok ng puso: Ano bang nangyari sayo?
OA person: Wala nga. Bumalik ka na sa room mo. I’m just finishing something. (What I lie. Actually, I was just doodling his name and mine. Figuring if we’re meant to be. Flames kung baga. Hahaha. But the green eyed monster was killing me.)
Tinitibok ng puso: Ok. Pasok ka lang sa room ha. Di ko lang ilock. Matutulog na ako.
OA person: (Di ako sumagot. Lol)

Case 2: I’ve been stalking this guy back in college. Magkilala na kami pero he doesn’t have my number. I’d send him messages without revealing my identity. Stalker in the making jud. Hahaha. But he’d reply. It came to a point nga na I actually enjoyed our short exchanges. A particular exchange I remember went something like this…

Stalker: Hi! Kumusta? No gawa mo?
Prey: K lng. Tambay
Stalker: Ah ok
Prey: Di ka ba talaga magpapakilala?
Stalker: Di ko kaya. Hahaha
Prey: Classmate ba kita?
Stalker: Secret
Prey: Sige na. Tell me who you are.
Stalker: Huwag na nga. Doesn’t matter din naman eh
Prey: Sige na pakilala ka na.
Stalker: Naiisip ko naman magpakilala kaso I sometimes chicken out.
Prey: Ah. Kaw siguro si chicken joy. (Swear natawa ako nito. Bumenta sakin. Hahaha)
Stalker: Hahaha. Uy nagjojoke na siya.

Then one night, I got so drunk. Isisi talaga sa alcohol. Hahaha

Stalker: My tanong ako sayo
Prey: Ano?
Stalker: My idea kaba kung sino ako? Be honest
Prey: Yes (Grabe ang beating ng heart ko nito)
Stalker: Oh? Sige nga. Sino ako?
Prey: _ _ (He txted my initials. WTF. Heart attack! Hahaha)
Stalker: Galing ah

Den nakatulog ako. When I woke up, I realized I just admitted to the guy that I liked who I really was. Eh di pa ako out nito sa nabuang ako! Literally! I avoided all places that I might bump into him. Pati social life ko affected kasi di nako gumigimik kasi baka makita ko siya. Hahaha. Eh since small world, eventually nagkita kami. Anong ginawa ko? I pretended na di ko siya nakikita. Hahaha. Ganyan ang treatment ko sa kanya for the rest of the semester. Then I texted him, medyo namiss ko siya eh. Hahaha.

Stalker: Hi. Kumusta na?
Prey: K lang. Suplado ka pala sa personal.
Stalker: Kaw kaya ang suplado. (See. Binaliktad ko pa. Eh ako naman talaga ang nag-iinarte. This was our last exchange as stalker and prey. Lol)

To cut the story short. Di naging kami. Hehe. And di ko na ginulo ang buhay niya. But we became friends again. Ang bait kasi nun. He talked to me nung birthday ko. Pero di niya alam na birthday ko that time. We were at a café and tumabi siya sakin. He talked to me. Sobrang nasurprise ako. Hahaha. Tagal na din kasi kaming di nag-usap. Then it was his turn to be surprised when my friends started to sing the birthday song. I can still remember his face. Gwapong surprised. Then he greeted me. Haay… Kilig!!! Hahaha. He completed my day.

And the best actor (actress? Lol) award goes to… Me!!! Hahaha

Do you want a piece of me?

2008-08-20T01:25:00.000-07:00

Edmund Burke said, "All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."

When I grew older, I found myself becoming too idealistic. I always thought of it as something positive. I’ve always used it to my advantage. It has kept the fire of optimism burn brightly inside of me. To my dismay, others found it offensive and even shocking.

I have never been like this. I was always the one with nothing to say, not because I was dumb but simply because I was afraid of being judged. I can honestly say that I have changed. I care more for people and the world and this has driven me to speak up. The one thing I need to learn now is to care less about what people may say about me especially them haters.

It's so hard when you care so much that you feel the need to speak your mind but find yourself entangled in people's insecurities. You meant well but others took it against you. What was suppose to challenge mediocrity turned out to be a sore spot for most people. What has happened to constructive criticism? What's with people taking everything so personal? In a democratic country filled with emotional landmines, how free are we to speak the unspoken?

Oh my gaaash!!!

2008-08-13T00:36:00.000-07:00

Kumakain kami ng lunch and Kring2 was sharing her experience sa kanilang theater production nung weekend. Eto ang sabi nya...

Kring2: Grabe kaganda ng production namin. Nagka-ghostbumps gud ang judges. (invisible ang bumps? Lol)

Eto pa. After lunch, bumalik na kami ng conference room. Upon entry sa gate sabi ni Kring2 may kukunin daw siya sa guard. Referring to a gate pass, she said...

Kring2: Wait lang. Kelangan kong kumuha ng pass out sa guard. (Amazing. A ticket in case mahimatay ka. Lol)

Out and Proud

2008-07-29T03:11:00.000-07:00

On conquering her fear of rollercoasters, Mimi said, "If you don't get on the ride, you might miss the adventure."

Breaking news! I’m out! I told my family already about me. I first talked to my sister. Then she talked to my brother. Then they gave me the green light to give the “coming out” letter I made for my parents. Grabeng networking. Ganyan ka-complicated ang magcome out. Hehe.

Days before, friends were already very concerned about my big decision. Biglaan kasi. Ang dami nilang tanong and worries as to why biglaan akong nagdecide to come out. Pwedeng mag-press conference na lang? Hahaha. One funny message was"Pagsure oi!" Haha. Mas kinakabahan pa sila sakin. Hehe. Weird but I wasn’t nervous at all. Siguro it was time na talaga. Honestly, di ko din alam why out of the blue I desperately wanted to be out. It just came to a point where I became so miserable that I hated myself for allowing society-pressures to dictate how I live my life.

I’m so happy that I’m out. Though I know my family’s still in shock (especially my parents) and I think that’s normal. I’m sure they’ll get over it like I did when I first realized that I was queer. Hehe. Tapos I dropped two bombs din sa kanila eh. One was resigning from my current job and preparing to conquer the world. So it's very understandable na maluya sila with the info overload. Hehe.

I’m happy that nothing’s changed and they’re very supportive. My parents sent me messages telling me that they'll support me in whatever it is that I believe would make me happy. My dad even sent an i-love-you message. A first from him. Historic masyado. Hehe. Natuwa din ako sa nobelang letter that my brother gave me. I’m surrounded by love: a wonderful family and great friends. Life is beautiful!

Wish List

2008-07-28T02:51:00.000-07:00

This list might change through time kasi baka may maisip akong i-modify or idagdag. Libre bitaw mangarap. Hehe. Umpisahan muna natin sa mga little things.

1. Gusto kong mag-slow dance. Romantic slow dance to ha. Mabuti ng klaro. Tsaka dapat surprise. Yang di ko ine-expect. Hahaha

2. Gusto kong mghorseback riding. Matagal ko nang gustong gawin ito. Madami ng events na pwede sana pero di ko magawa. Siguro dahil sa hiya. Haha. Ang ma-imagine ko is doing this by the shore of a beautiful beach. Tipong mabilis masyado ang takbo. Sabay ihulog ka ng kabayo. Hahaha. Ang saya...

3. Gusto kong mgskinny dipping. It's a kink. Hahaha

4. I want to conquer a mountain. Like Mt. Apo. Di ko na inaambisyon ang Mt. Everest.

5. I want to swim with dolphins. Huwag killer whale. Cute sana kaso scary. Baka kainin ako. Haha

6. Gusto ko magbungee jump pero may kundisyon. Gusto ko may kasama. Di ko kaya na ako lang isa. Mabuang ako. Hahaha

7. Gusto kong magka-tiger as a pet. Pwede din bear. Dapat siguraduhin talaga na domesticated sila. Sarap kasing higa-higaan. Hahaha. Gawin lang palang kama. Lol

8. I want to experience a white Christmas. Sabay kanta ung song with the same title. Lol

9. Kung di ako pagpalain ng tiger or bear. I want to have a dog. Ang choices ko: Golden retriever, Yellow Labrador, or St. Bernard. Mas masaya kung meron akong tiger, bear, pati aso. Tapos friends silang lahat. Ka-cute siguro nun. Tapos sa isang kama kami lahat matulog. Hahaha. Tarzan ikaw ba yan? Lol

10. I want to have lots of road trips. Discover new places.

11. I want to learn another language and speak it fluently.

Let it burn...

2008-07-17T02:33:00.000-07:00

I have only been in love once and that took about 20 years for the love bug to catch me. He must have retired now since I’ve never been bitten ever since. Gikapuy na siguro siya. Hahaha!

I know this piece is long overdue. But I believe it deserves a space in my blog kahit it happened like 8 years ago pa. First love never dies baya. Hahaha! So forgive me if I have to raise the dead.

I met him back in college. He wasn’t your typical prince charming. You couldn’t imagine him sweeping me off my feet. He was plain looking, at least to me. He was never the heartthrob type nor was he your boy next door. He never took my breath away, albeit, everyone was gushing about him. In short, he was never a romantic possibility for me. I’ve already placed him in the friendship section of my heart. Never thought he’d creep into the romance shelf. Boy, was I surprised.

We became friends. Good friends. He was sweet, sensible and great to talk to, traits I rarely see in a single package. He made me laugh. He was very childish yet still very endearing.

I’d sleep in his room. We would laugh all night, talking about life and love. We would hug. Hold hands. He had a way of making you feel like you were his world. I could say I was happiest when I was with him.

We were spending so much time together. Fast-forward to more days spent together, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I remember waking up thinking of him. I thought of him before I slept. I thought of him when I was in class; when I took my nightly walks, drifting into a daydream, name it. He was there. Every minute seemed to waste away without him. That was when I knew I was in big trouble, very big trouble.

Everything went well at the beginning. But as the relationship progressed, things got complicated. In a nutshell, we never talked about “us” and it took a toll in our relationship. I wanted to tell him how I felt. But I was a coward. So I waited for him to confess first. But that never happened. As all good things come to an end, so did we. I was heartbroken.

Love shouldn’t hurt. But it did. Ang saaakeeet! Hahaha! So I made a decision to let him go. Keep my distance. It took me almost five years to get over him. I remember I had three songs for him, a song for each chapter: In a Rush by Blackstreet, Beautiful by Jennifer Paige, and Delicate by Damien Rice.

He knows that I love him. I told him three years ago. The letter I sent was not a desperate act to get him back. I just wanted to let him know that I loved no one else. Boyfriends may come and go in my life. But I will only have one first love and that will always be him. Swerte nya! Hahaha!

Short-lived Kilig Crush

2008-06-25T02:24:00.001-07:00

Katagal ko nang hindi nagka-crush. By crush, I mean yung tipong patay-na-patay ka talaga sa isang tao. You feel butterflies in your stomach just by thinking of him. Daydreams galore. Yung very highschool gud na type of crush. I know wala nakoy angay coz I'm turning 27 this year. Cge na lang gud. Hahaha. Well, I have one now after a hundred years. Exag. My heart finally woke from its slumber. Hahaha. Kaatik uy! Lol

Anyway, he teaches piano at my school. Really adorable!!! Heaven help me. Hahaha. I first saw him when I was inquiring about lessons para sa voice. Me and two of my friends were cracking up since they insisted that I take my classes with her daughter. Of course, I vehemently said no. Ayokong makipagcompete sa bata. I'm scared na baka talunin pa ako ng chikiting. Hahaha. Then I noticed someone was watching me from behind the piano. Uuuh! Feeling. Hahaha. It was him. Haaay. Love at first sight. Bwahahaha. After that fateful day, I never saw him again. I even thought na I only hallucinated this beautiful stranger. Hahahaha.

Fast forward to a few months, nakalimutan ko na siya. Then unexpectedly, he came back into my life. Uuuh! Hahahaha. Cue music "Bleeding Love". Hahaha.

I saw him again and again and again. Nakulayan muli ang mundo ko. Hahaha. Di pa kami nagkakilala sa lagay na to ha. Hahaha. We were never formally introduced. Then destiny stepped in, I had a recital and he was the musical director. Then ang pinakanta sakin was "Ikaw ang pangarap". Ano ba! Hahaha. Impossible dream? Lol Hayaan niyo na akong magfeeling but he was really looking at me. I've caught him a couple of times. Swear. Di din kasi ako yung type na magka-crush sa tao if it's not reciprocated. Kasi kung deadma talaga siya, di ko na siya pag-aksayahan ng panahon. Hahaha.

Back to my kwento, ayun so tinginan lang kami for days. Ka-exciting noh? Hahaha. Then, recital day, gibadlong niya ako. Kasi nagfeedback yung mic na hawak ko. Hahaha. Being my deadma self, di ko kaagad nagets na ako pala kausap niya. Hahaha. Kasi he was sitting at the other side of the stage. Then kinuhit ako nung katabi ko na ako daw, then I looked at him and he gestured na ibaba ko daw ang mic. Of course, naulaw ako. Hahaha. Gibaba ko ang mic ko and I mouthed that I was sorry. He smiled back and gave me "two thumbs up". He loves me. Hahaha. Water please. Lol

Yun ang first interaction namin. Hahaha. After the recital, we decided to leave kasi katagal niya maglabas. Hahaha. Talagang inantay? Lol Pumunta na kami sa parking lot. Juliet was driving. Ako sa front and Ann was at the back seat. Palabas na kami when Juliet saw him entering the parking lot. Halos mabuang ako. I didn't know what to do. Buang to si Juliet kasi she opened my window and Ann told me na kausapin ko daw. Parang nagkonchaba ang duha. Di ko kaya! Hahaha. Maiyak-iyak ako kasi I wanted to close the window kaso di ko alam paano. Nag-andar ang pagkabugo ko dahil sa pressure. Hahaha. Anyway, he was already smiling when he passed by the car. Alangan naman mag-inOA ako. So I smiled back and asked if he had a ride. He just smiled and pointed his purplish-blue Kia. Heaven na ako. Lol Then I think I said na mauna na kami. Di ko na din masyadong maalala. Hahaha.

Kahaba na nito. Kapuy na type. Hahaha. Patuloy. So everytime na magkita kami sa school. He'd smile and I'd smile back. What's weird is in a span of 2 hrs, he'd smile at me a couple of times. Like every chance na magmeet ang eyes namin, magsmile sya. Hahaha. Swear. Kaya I hope you understand why I went gaga over him. Additional kilig, he talked to me. Casual talk lang gud. Pero di pa kami na-introduce ha. Pero parang close agad. Hehe. I just got his name from the recital invitation. Lol

Eto na ang heartbreaking part. Talagang may ganyan na part. Hahaha. Stalker that I am. I searched his name sa friendster. Ang bumungad sakin was a picture of a baby. He was in a relationship. Then a few days after, Ann called me up. Telling me na she saw him with his arms around a girl. Then when I looked at his profile again, there they were. The happy couple. Pero half smile lang siya. Ang girl ang todo smile. So baka di siya happy? Hahaha. Grabeng assumptions. Lol

Automatic, I knew I had to let him go. Hahaha. Kadrama uy! Parang kami noh? Lol Langhiya siya. Pinaasa niya lang ako. Ang sakit! Hahahaha. Just Kidding. Di naman ganun kasakit. Slight lang. Lol So that day on, I decided na di ko na siya pag-aksayahan ng panahon. Lol Ganyan na ako ngayon. Paghopeless case, kinakalimutan ko na. Erase kaagad ang memories. Hahaha. I guess, once burned ganyan ang effect. Lol

Then I saw him again sa school. Di ko na siya ginapansin. I looked the other way if magkasalubong kami. Paatik na busy sa fone. Hahaha. Kaarte ko noh? Lol Then nung pauwi na ako, he was sitting sa my semento beside the area where I parked the car. Ano ba! Tama na be! Leave me alone! Hahaha. Isn't it enought na niloko mo ako? Hahaha. Buti na lang I was with Nick that time (Who's Nick? Sorta dating kami. Hehehe). Baka magselos ung crush ko? Good. Hahaha. Feeling din na magselos. Lol Nung papunta na ako sa car, he was already looking at me. I had no choice kahit papresyo ako. He smiled and I gave him my "goodbye" smile. Hahaha. My ganun ba? Lol Parang yan na ang huling ngiti na makuha mo sakin. Bullshit ka! Hahaha. Just Kidding. My pahabol na blooper kasi sobrang nawindang ako sa exchange of smiles namin. When I smiled back, di ko napansin na my metal karatola pala sa harap ng car, and nabunggo ko siya nung palakad ako. Hahaha. As in! Kaulaw!!! Di ko na siya tiningnan and went straight to the car. Hahahaha! Kala ko nasakin ang huling halakhak. Di pala. Hmp! Hahahaha.

First day sa gym

2008-05-27T03:48:00.000-07:00

First day ko sa gym nung sunday. I was really excited. I just bought a new pair of shoes, jogging pants, and a shirt. Talagang pinaghandaan ko ito. Hahaha. Before I went out of the house, I made sure na dala ko na lahat ng kelangan. Then I left for the gym.

When I got there, I asked the front desk personnel kung anong gawin ko as a newbie. He was really cute. Hahaha. Sory kelangan ko tlgang isingit. Lol He asked for my name and gave me my locker keys. Too bad hindi sya ang nagescort sakin sa gym instructor. A girl accompanied me and endorsed me to Dindo, my gym instructor. Dindo told me to change so I went to the locker room. Pagdating ko sa locker, I unpacked my things. Dun ko na lang narealize na I was wearing slippers and I left my gym shoes sa bahay. Waaaaaa! Hahahaha! Ka-bright uy! Lol

So I went out and told Dindo na I had to leave. Kahiya man pero inamin ko sa kanya na wala akong dalang shoes. As expected, he gave me a WTF look. Klaro lang na-amaze sya sa saking pagka-genius. Lol

So I rushed off to my car and called friends who lived nearby na possible na magpahiram ng shoes. Timing si retch, my available pair. Kaso it's new and she's selling it to me. Hahaha. Grabe. Taking advantage. I had no choice. I agreed. Hala, ready to go na ako pero the car was not cooperating. Di ba naman mag-andar. Hahaha. Taxi ang beauty ko. Double gastos. Gas sa junk car plus taxi fare. Haay. Pero amazingly, umandar siya nung pauwi na ako from the gym. Pinukpok ko lang ang batt using my keys. Kasi I remember the pick-up I used before ganun din ang kaartehan. Kelangan pang pukpukin. Grabe ka-stressful ang first day ko sa gym oi.

Tama pala, grabe sa locker room. I know normal na butt-naked ang mga tao dun. Pero ang problem, ang mga hubo't-hubad dun is mga tigulang. Mga eye-sores. Kulubot na pwet. Big tummy. Hahaha. No-no talaga. Yung mga dapat maghubad sana, naka-undies. Tanong. Bakit? Lol So unfair. ROFL

Solitary

2008-05-21T03:38:00.000-07:00

May 15, 2008
9:00 PM
Cagayan de Oro City

I’m 26. Good looking. Great Personality. Smart. Funny. Single since birth. Never had any serious relationship. Lonely.

As much as I’d like to pretend that I’m the least bit worried about it is bull****. I never had these worries when I was younger. But now that I’m nearing my 30th year, I’m scared.

Time and time again, I try to tell myself “in God’s perfect time”. When? 2010? 2020? 2030? The paranoia of ending up alone has driven me mad, even desperate. I’m a desperate gay man.

Me and my Underwear

2008-05-21T02:55:00.000-07:00

It was 2 AM when I decided to head back to our hotel in CDO. I was sharing a standard room with 2 guys, which meant one of us had to occupy the extra bed. That someone was me. I actually offered to take the extra bed. Santo kasi ako. The comfort of others is top priority. Hahaha.

Good deed equals humiliation. I was preparing to go to my extra bed. I brushed my teeth. Washed my face and did what any vain person would normally do. Go figure. Hahaha. I pulled down my pants and sat at the edge of the extra bed. To my horror, the bed gave in and I was forced to stand up or I would land butt first on the floor. Good thing I was able to stand up and save my ass from pain. But no one could save me from being shamed when my early40s-married-straight roommate woke up and found me in full glory, pants down, wearing only my underwear standing in front of him. Hahahaha. He just gave me a confused look and grumbled like "What's happening???" I explained myself and grabbed the inclined bed to cover me up. I felt like I was a kid caught doing something indecent. Hahaha. I dunno which was worst, him finding me in my undies or him thinking that I was about to pounce on him while he was asleep. Hahaha. But trust me, the latter never crossed my mind. Swear.

My Debut II

2008-05-19T02:38:00.000-07:00

March 19, 2008

7:00 PM

Hi! Eto na ang part 2 ng aking kwento. Hahaha. Obvious ba masyado na na-excite ako? Lol Sorry ha ignorante kasi ako sa mga gantong bagay talaga. Last weekend was quite a revelation. Lol

So asan na ba tyo? Ayun so patuloy ang sayaw namin with Theo rubbing himself sa akin. Hahaha. Matanong ko nga? Ganun din ba sa hetero dancing? Shocking lang kasi since we barely know each other tpos ganun agad. Hahaha. Dapat mgcurtsy mna. Bwahaha. Para formal ang dating. Lol

Nway, after nmin sumayaw, lumabas na naman sya. I was left alone again. Bitin. Hahaha. Joke. Nakatalikod ako sa bar. Pinatong ko ang drink ko sa counter pero di ko binitawan. Den may guy na tumabi sakin. Nakaharap sya sa bar. So magkaharap kmi. Pinatong nya ang kamay nya sakin. So nagcross yung kamay namin. In short nadaganan ang kamay ko na my hawak na drink. Eh di na sya gumalaw. Ganyan ang position namin for several minutes. Den I'd look at him. He'd stare back. Dun ko narealize na he was really good looking. Even sexier than Theo. Haha. Or baka dala na lng ng alcohol. Lol It came to a point where chest to chest na kmi. My time pa na nagkasabay kmi tingin and inches apart na lang ang aming mga labi. Hahaha. Napatagalog bigla. Lol Di ko kinaya. What I did, kinuha ko yung kamay nya sabay sabi "Uhm... Excuse me..." Den kinuha ko ang drink ko. Hahaha. Den he left. Lol

Then Lei came back. Sayaw kmi uli. Umeksena uli si Theo. This time, hinawakan nya ako sa lower back ko and weird is hindi nya hinawakan si Lei. Kasi nga I thot kming tatlo ang magsayaw. Habang hawak2 nya ako, Lei was leaving. The look na I got from Lei was "oops. three's a crowd..." prang ganyan. Napraning na namn ako. I grabbed Lei by the arm and told him to stay and dance with us. So un di na sya umalis then Theo left. Hahahaha

Den we went home but Lei stayed behind. I'm still trying to figure out lahat ng nangyari. I'm so overwhelmed. So jury, was I a disaster? Lol I think I was. Hahaha. And were these guys really making a move on me? Para next nmin kita, di na cla mahirapan. Hahaha. Sunggaban kaagad. Hahaha. J/k

My Debut

2008-05-08T01:59:00.000-07:00

This is an email I wrote to close friends a few months ago. In my 26 years of existence, I have never gone to gay bars or engaged in activities that are extremely homo-related. Hehe. You'll be surprised how conservative I am. Can't help it jud. I'm the Maria Clara incarnate. Hahaha. This experience was liberating. I was scared shitless but I enjoyed every minute of it!!! Lol

Ang mga tauhan sa kwentong ito ay sina:
Ann = BFF since college
Lei = Annie's Gay friend
Liv = Annie's Female friend
Theo = Sexy stranger
Bon = Gay cop

March 18, 2008
6:21 PM

Hi guyzzz! Uuuh! May kwento ako sa inyong lahat. Kuha na kyo ng glass of water kasi mahaba-haba ito. Hehe. Last weekend, naglabas kmi ni Ann (college friend) and her lawschool friends (Liv and Lei). It was an Araw ng Davao weekend so sobrang dami ng tao. Sa autoshop kmi ngstay. Specifically sa UC aka Urban Club. Uuuh! Lol Grbe muntik akong mahimatay sa kainit sa loob ng bar. Naghalo ang mga klase-klaseng tao. Anyway, preview pa lang yan. Hehe

After, we decided na lumipat ng bar. We went to rizal promenade. Sa hindi nakaka-alam, madaming bading sa rizal. Hehe. Lei is openly gay by the way and he frequents the gay club scene. Pumunta kmi diretso dun sa "gay bar". Though di tlga declared as one. Parang common knowledge lng. I wasn't really nervous kasi apat kmi. 2 straight girls, 1 swinger (hehe), and a gay boy. So ok lng. After checking out the people, we went out kasi Ann and Liv were complaining na wala daw silang mapala dun since puro bading ang tao. Hahaha. So we went out then lumipat sa kabilang bar where mixed ang crowd. But then Lei had a crazy idea na humiwalay daw kmi and bumalik dun sa "gay bar". I wasn't sure if I was ready. I got scared actually. Hehe.

This is where the fun and scary part starts. Lei and I went back. Hahaha. Cool pa lahat sa umpisa. The boys were openly dancing with each other. Kayo na mg-imagine. Hahaha. I offered to get our drinks. Since wala akong makitang waiter, I braved the sea of queers just to get drinks at the bar. Hala while waiting for our drinks, a guy who was dancing with another guy, kept bumping into me. At first, wala akong paki-alam kasi nga jam packed ang place. Eh kaso after a few times, he was already resting his head sa back ko. Hahaha! Tpos when I looked back, he gave me the sultry eyed look. Uuuh! Lol Eh di sya cute so wala msyadong effect. Hahaha! So after getting the drinks, bumalik ako kung saan si Lei.

Umpisa pa lng un. Di pa tapos ang kwento. Chapter 1 pa un. Hahaha. So pagbalik ko kay Lei, hinila nya ako. He introduced me to someone. His name was Theo. Remember the name kasi main character sya dito. Hahaha. We said our hellos. Flash kaagad ang Close up smile. Hahaha! He was cute. Taller than me. Straight acting. Pwede kayong maloko nito girls. Hehehe. Eh di sya masyado nagregister sakin at first. I wasn't paying attention nga when we were introduced. So chapa muna sya. Hahaha. Sayaw na kmi ni Lei. My tall, skinhead, gwapo guy ang nasa tabi namin. Believe it or not. He was checking me out. Hahahaha. Lei told me. Deadma kasi tlga ako nung night na un. Kasi nga cguro first time. Uuh! Lol I didn't know what do. Hahaha. Biglang lumipat si Theo. Sumayaw sya with us. Sinabi ba naman ni Lei na iintroduce kmi nung skinhead guy. Halos maiyak ako sa tuwa. Hahaha. Joke. Halos maiyak ako sa kaba actually. I grabbed Lei telling him na hwag na. Imagine, ka-demure ko tlga. Demure effect? Hahaha. Eh pano ba yan, pagtingin ko, kausap na ni Theo ang skinhead guy. Alangan naman tumakbo ako palabas. Hahaha. Eventually, we were introduced. His name was Bon. He was really nice. Hi hello lng den I looked away. Hahahaha. Meron bng SOPs sa mga ganyan? Hahaha. I was jst talking to Lei most of the time. Lumabas si Theo den umalis si Bon with his friends. Dumaan sya samin and said "Twas nice to meet u..." I jst smiled. Nanigas na ang panga ko cge smile. Hahaha.

Pumunta si Lei sa CR. At first gusto kong sumama kasi ayaw kong magpaiwan. Hahaha. But he told me to stay. Parang aso. Lol. So i stayed. Aba si Theo, umeksena. Walang verbal exchange. He jst grabbed my waist with both hands and started dancing with me. Napraning ako. Di ko alam anong gawin. Hahaha. Dapat ba i-wrap ko ang arms ko around his neck??? Hahaha. But no. Ginawa ko lng syang duyan. I was holding my vodka sprite while we were dancing. Hahaha. Den we talked.

Eto ang convo:
Hot guy aka Me: What's ur name again? (Hahaha. Bagang. Wala mng gud naminaw!)
Theo: Hahaha! (I think he thought deadma ako sa knya kasi nga di ko nakuha ang name nya. Which is true din naman. Or maybe he thought how incredibly stupid I am to not remember his 4 letter name)
Me: Sorry. What's your name again? (Nagpumilit tlga. Hahahaha)
Theo: Forget it.
Me: So sorry. I wasn't really paying attention kanina. (Smile dayun baka madala pa. Hahaha)
Theo: Theo...
Me: I'm _ _ _ _ _ _
Theo: _ _ _ _ _ _ ? (Wala mn sad diay naminaw. Hahaha. Quits na.)
Me: Yup
Theo: Are you a student? (O ha. Pwede pa akong pumasa as student. Hahaha)
Me: Nope. Working na. Kaw?
Theo: Working na din.

Un lng ang convo namin. Hahaha. Pero patuloy ang sayaw namin. Umabot sa point na di ko kinaya kasi grabe na ang friction. Hahaha. He was dancing so close to me na I felt his you know. Hahaha. Di daw masabi.... Lol Basta kayo na magisip kung ano ung nafeel ko. Lol

End of chapter 2. Hahahaha. Bukas ko na continue ang last chapters kay nobela na to. Hahaha.

Coming out

2008-05-05T03:03:00.000-07:00

Serious muna tayo... Lol

Coming out is never easy. But I did it and damn proud and happy to have done so. I came out mostly to close friends and strangers though. Hehe. Still looking for the right moment to drop the bomb saking pamilya. It's liberating and comforting to know that even if I was the "H" word, nothing changed. I was never greeted with sneers but welcomed with loving arms, even by my straight male friends. What a relief!

The greatest advice they gave me was "You don't have to explain yourself to everyone..." Grbe. Halos maiyak ako when they told me that coz I had this notion that I had to justify who I am to everyone. Like anyone would really care. I was just so scared of losing everyone. Thinking they'd bail out on me once they knew the truth. But they didn't. I'm blessed to have such great friends. When I look back, most of my worries never happened.

Years of trying to play straight. Hoping to cover up all traces of anything unmanly.

Keeping kilig moments to yourself. All my crushes were anonymous until my sophomore year in college. Imagine the pent up kilig. Hahaha.

Never able to freely express your emotions. Afraid to get close. Losing someone in the process because of my cowardice. "We belong together" on repeat mode ang drama. Lol

Jealous of openly gay men.

I guess you could say that I built my own private hell.

But that was me then. I still have my struggles. Who doesn't? It's a great start though.

So here's to me and all depressed and melodramatic individuals, who despite their hopelessness, never succumb to life's bitter endings! Cheers! Hehe.

All I see now are blue skies baby! =)

Prelude

2008-05-03T02:36:00.000-07:00

Eto ang umpisa ng mga kwentong walang kwenta. Fasten your seatbelts! This blog will try to capture all the adventures I've had in my life. Past. Present. And the not so distant future. Some may find my stories funny, heartbreaking (???), or plain stupid. I don't care! Hahaha. It's my life and I'll do my best to live it the best way I know how. No regrets...